
I hope I’m not libeling the lads, but, speaking from my experience of Roderick Dhu and the various fellow countrymen of his that he meets, it seems to me that Scotsmen don’t get on very well together.
I’ve only to see, for instance, another black gentleman from Aberdeen approaching, and I know there’s going to be trouble.
They don’t exactly fight, but there always seems to be an exchange of remarks which, judging by the tone in which they are uttered, are the reverse of complimentary.
You’d have thought that one Northerner meeting another far from his native heather would have fraternized, and passed a friendly ‘Scots wha’ haggis!’ or whatever the expression is.
But nothing of the sort happens at all. Now, why is this, I wonder? I admit that I don’t know very much about Highland feuds, though I understand there is a certain amount of very proper pride and jealousy among the different clans, and I can only suggest this as the cause of all these dark mutterings.
But it’s all rather trying.
Yesterday was an example; I don’t know why (perhaps there had been an excursion) but we seemed to meet a regular spate of bonny wee Highlanders, and the things that were said—well, it really made me feel that up to now all these Peace Conferences have been just a waste of time.
Firstly, we met two of Roddie’s breed.
Well I know them of old, so while their mistress restrained them we crossed the road, and the encounter passed off with nothing worse than three dirty looks.
But in the Gardens themselves an elderly Scottish gentleman was lying under a seat, Roddie approached incautiously, and a most violent exchange of epithets followed.
Roddie, I fancy, got the worst of the exchange; I can generally tell when that happens because he always puts on an extra air of jauntiness to cover the fact. “Hullo,” I said to him as he swaggered up, “he sorted you—isn’t that the word?—properly that time, my lad.”
Mr. Dhu shook himself.
“On the contrary,” he blustered, “I put him in his place.
“Hullo, a squirrel!” and he rushed off after a bit of paper.
Well, at least one more encounter of the same sort happened in the Gardens, and when we got in sight of home I’m bothered if there wasn’t a small Scottie hanging round our very gate. Now if it had been any other breed Roddie would probably have started a game, but not in this case.
He advanced slowly, and at the sight of him the other seemed to bristle; then they both stood still and regarded each other, very stiff-legged. “Hoots!” rumbled Rod, nastily. “And Toots! To you!” retorted the other promptly. “Bandy.”
“Banks, braes and Bannockburrns!” growled Rod. “Get awa’ from my gate, ye feckless wee loon. Oot, I say, or—“ But here the dialect became so strong that I removed him indoors.
I asked for an explanation later. “Tell me,” I begged, “do you all really dislike each other, or is it just bluff to deceive us Southerners? I wish you’d tell me,” but Roddie merely grinned and refused to reply. He was giving nothing away; he’s a Scot.
But nothing brings out the feistiness of the Scot quite like a buzzing fly. They annoy Roddie a lot. He was having his afternoon nap when it came rambling into the room in a hesitating sort of way, as if it wasn’t quite sure of its welcome.
“This seems a peaceful sort of spot,” it seemed to be saying to itself, “but you never can tell. People do bang about so.” It dithered about around for a minute or two and settled on the arm of Roddie’s chair. “This,” it evidently decided, “appears peaceful enough. I think I’ll wash the back of my neck.”
But, quiet as its arrival had been, it wasn’t quiet enough for Roddie. He opened one eye in a suspicious manner, saw the fly, and made an idle snap. “Pssst!” exclaimed the fly, removing itself irritably, “I knew it! Something like this always happens. I wonder why it is?”
It circled round and round the ceiling, while Roddie dozed off again, and then approached me.
“Get away,” I requested, flapping at it, and the fly retired disgruntled.
“Oh, all right, all right,” it grumbled. “No need to push. I’m going, aren’t I?” and the silly thing rambled off and sat down heavily on Roddie’s back. “Rest here for a bit,” it said, “on the hearth rug.”
Roddie twitched, but the fly took no notice. Roddie twitched again, more violently, and as he screwed his head sharply round, the fly evacuated his position.
“I’ll go quiet,” it said hastily. “Doing no harm, I wasn’t,” but by this time Mr. Dhu was wide awake and highly indignant.
“Wretched fly,” he growled. “Nestling on me! I’ll teach it,” and he made a snap at the departing insect and fell out of the chair.
The fly, I fancy, must have given a mocking laugh which put Roddie’s back up, for he went in hot pursuit. For a moment he seemed to lose sight of it, and glared round in a baffled manner; then it settled on the wall and he spotted it again.
“Got it!” he shouted, and he made one flying leap onto a chair, scattering papers in all directions, and made a vicious snap.
Needless to say, all he did was to bang his nose against the wall, after which he fell off that chair, too, taking what papers remained, with him. “Well,” I said, “that’s a jolly nice mess, Rod. What are you going to do about it?”
“Couldn’t help it,” he grumbled. “Not going to be insulted by flies. Where is the thing? Ha!”—and he made futile dashes into various parts of the room and over most of the furniture; after which he sat down and panted.
The fly, meanwhile, appeared to have been enjoying itself; it flew round in a self-important manner, and finally settled on the divan and started crawling slowly down.
Roddie had by this time decided that his rushing tactics were no good, so he crouched, with quivering nose, waiting for the insect to stop. As he did so Pat walked in. “Shhh!” hissed Roddie. “See that fly? I’m going to catch it in a minute.”
“A minute?” asked Pat. “Why not now?” He made one lightning dart and the fly (ugh!) was no more.
Hard luck, Rod
Reprinted from a chapter in the blogger’s new book, MacDuffy’s Reader, available from Tartan Scottie > http://www.tartanscottie.com/scottie_book_video_audio.htm